Religion And Booze

Here’s my earlier post about Baptists, beer and crawfish. Now some related jokes I have recently heard.

1. The difference between a baptist and a methodist is that the methodist will speak to you in the line at the liquor store.

2. Why do you take 2 baptists fishing with you instead of one? Because if you only take one he’ll drink all your beer.

3. A presbyterian is a methodist with a drinking problem that can’t afford to be an episcopalian.

4. Do you know how many Episcopalians it takes to change a light bulb? Three. One to mix the drinks, one to call the electrician, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

5. The Catholic dictionary:

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their
ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original “Jaws” story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO (The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

These all popped over the last couple of days on a listserv I regularly read. Which brings me to the funniest one of all:

Please remember the intent of the listserv is to share ideas relating to the practice of law. We want this forum to be open, but we ask all members to be thoughtful of others before making a post.

Some listserv members have found the religious references made today highly offensive.

The listserv is a powerful tool for good but it can be abused. Please stop the religious jokes.

Doesn’t want to offend anyone. Must be a Unitarian.  

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7 Comments on “Religion And Booze”

  1. Demopolite Says:

    “Doesn’t want to offend anyone. Must be a Unitarian. ”

    …you must start posting warnings so that I don’t have to wipe coffee off of my keyboard.

    Here’s my favorite Episcopalian joke – first told to me by an Episcopalian priest:

    A line of people was formed up at the Pearly Gates, waiting to enter. St. Peter was checking their names off a clipboard. The next man stepped up and said, “Peter, I’m Jewish, can I still get in?”

    St. Peter said, “Why, of course. We have a reciprocity agreement — as long as you followed the tenets of your religion, we’ll accept you. Let me just check your records here . . . Uh oh. You know that barbecue sandwich you had last week? You know you’re not allowed to eat pork. Sorry, come back later.”

    The next man stepped up. “St. Peter, I’m Roman Catholic, surely you’ll let me in.”

    St. Peter says, “Why, of course – we’ve got that reciprocity agreement! Let me just check the documentation here . . . Hmmmm — you know that Big Mac you ate last Friday. It’s Lent, you know — no meat on Friday. You’ll have to come back later.”

    The next man steps up. “I’m Episcopalian, I can get in right away, can’t I?”

    St. Peter says, “Naturally! Let me just check this over . . . Oooh..uh oh. That vestry dinner last week? You ate your salad with the fish fork.”

  2. quaoar Says:

    Q: Why is it that Baptists do not believe in premarital sex?

    A: Because it leads to dancing.

  3. ALmod Says:

    quaoar, you’re closer than you think… 😀

    Actually, I have a similar joke, if I can tell it without screwing it up.

    Baptists are allowed to tap their foot or clap their hands to the music, but they cannot do both because it would be considered dancing.

    Another one…

    Methodists are Baptists who get to the restaurant first on Sundays.

  4. Baudrillard Says:

    An Episcopalian walks up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter says, “Welcome friend! I will show you to your room. Follow me down this long hall, but when we pass the room on the right, be very, very quiet.”

    The Episcopalian follows Saint Pete down the hall, and after they quietly pass the room on the right, he turns to Saint Pete and asks, “What’s with that room? Why do we have to be so quiet?”

    To which Saint Peter replies, “That’s where we keep all the Baptists. They don’t think that anyone else is up here.”

  5. MCF Says:

    Show me four Episcopalians, and I’ll show you a fifth.

  6. draftsonyou Says:

    Show me four AME’s and I’ll show you a “fotey”. What??

  7. wheeler Says:

    oh man, you’re going to hell for that one 😉


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