A Southern Man Don’t Need [American Idol] Around Anyhow

The trial did not happen, so I am surrendering to temptation and commenting on the B’ham tryouts for American Idol. All I can do is write about it, but I have a suggestion for American Idol.

I never dreamed American Idol would come to Birmingham searching for the next big thing. I’m also a simple man who has never watched even one episode of American Idol. (Nor will I ever willingly watch an episode of American Idol.) But let me say right here and right now, that any Ruben wannabe who sings “Sweet Home Alabama” for their audition should immediately be told they ain’t the one and booted out of the arena unless said poser can first:

1. Tell us who “Mr. Young” is.

2. Explain who “ol’ Neil” put down and how he did it.

3. Identify the Guvnah so loved by Birminghamians, and the source of the felicity.

4. Tell us why Watergate ought to have burdened anyone’s conscience.

5. Point to Muscle Shoals on a map.  

6. Finally, be a Ken Jennings wannabe and tell us to what question Montgomery’s got the answer.   

You got that right. If you are an AI contestant, before you can even tell the judges what’s your name, you have to answer these questions. The only thing you need to ask is was I right or was I wrong.   

I’ll allow some wiggle room on four, six, and the second half of three. Those answers require some factual knowledge, but are also a matter or interpretation. However, anyone who misses one, two, the first half of three, or five is in double trouble. Not only are they prohibited from singing the song, but they ought to be flogged for their presumption. After they get a head start of three steps towards the door, of course.

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4 Comments on “A Southern Man Don’t Need [American Idol] Around Anyhow”

  1. Dystopos Says:

    OK, but how many do you think Mark Matejka or Ean Evans would get?

  2. wheeler Says:

    i don’t know. i’ll have to trust the remnants of skynard that they are worthy.

    but if not, are they from alabama? if they are not alabamaians, then even if they also flunked the test, i would give them a lesser penalty.

  3. cheifmanytypos Says:


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